Today is Tuesday

I most certainly enjoyed my massage yesterday. In my perfect world, I'd have one everyday...I really would.

Then (My husband is out of town for work) I took myself out to a movie...and I ate a junior popcorn. I believe that wasn't on my FT plan. No problem...I still think I'm a good person :)

One day I'll be out of this funk, and I'll be anxious to get out of bed and exercise, and I'll think of something enlightening to say... I'm just not feeling it today, and the 20 degree weather doesn't help. So to help myself: I have an appointment to see my counselor this week. I  haven't seen him in over  1 1/2 years, but it's time, and I need some help processing these last few weeks. 

 My grandmother (the one who passed away last week) was one of seven girls. Some of her sisters were her best friends. She would tell me what we needed to get through life, and it's problems was a good friend, someone to talk to.  I think she was right in so many ways. I like to think of her in heaven with her sisters: chatting and laughing, just like I remember.

Be good to yourselves today...I'm trying to do the same.

Massage

...yep, today I'm going in for a 90 minute massage!  I think you know I'm also a massage therapist, so I would choose that as a form of 'self-care.'  I do know know that whatever experiences we're having in our 'heads' is also being  processed in our bodies as well. Thus...I was up 3lbs this morning: stress & too much fast food while traveling = Jeri up 3lbs. I know it will be gone soon.
I feel like I've been 'taking' more than 'giving' to you all lately.  Which is quite the opposite of how I generally do things. I'm the caretaker in my family, in my work, in lots of my relationships... I'm sure that surprised you :) And now I'm feeling like I'd like someone to rush in and take care of me for awhile. That's not going to happen, so I'm going in for a massage.
How do you take care of yourselves when you 'hit a wall'?

Home

I came home to a good husband who had flowers waiting for me, and my bathtub clean and ready for a hot bath! And after a 12 hr drive home-that was heaven.
As I've wanted to protect the privacy of others, I've not shared on my blog the reasons I rushed to CA and the sadness. I believe this situation is the new norm,  and I will be learning a different way to relate to my loved ones. That's all I can say about that for now.
On my way home I stopped to see our daughter (the one with the new baby :). She looks amazing, and the baby is doing great after his emergency surgery. I spent the afternoon holding him, and I'd like to think he has a memory somewhere that makes him especially comfortable in my arms. Being with a new baby is especially healing for me.
I did really well with my eating while I was gone...until the last 48 hrs! No problem,  today is a new day...and I'm beginning again. I do know that eating health-full and exercising will be some of the best tools for me to manage the stress, and will help me get some more lbs off!
I hope you all have a great day, and I'm looking forward to catching up on your blogs.
Thank you for your kind and supportive emails. What a blessing you all are.

Wednesday Morning

The sunshine and green hills are surrounding me this morning. I try to hold  on to the thought that God is always present and everywhere. So I accept all this beauty as a reminder of that.

The circumstances that brought me here haven't changed-- and if possible, worse. I am hanging in there, but so sad.
I told a family member today-'good times are still be to had'. Maybe I said that for myself and much as for them?
I'm still optimistic that 2012 will be a great year!
Take care all-

Sunday Evening...

My precious love ones are sleeping, so I have a moment to catch up a little.

My trip went well, and a book on tape make the 12 + hr drive 'pleasant'. On the way here I got news my 101 1/2 year old Granny passed away. She took care of me a lot when I was little, so I have many happy memories.  

The weather cleared and brightened up long enough for me to take a nice long 5 mile walk today with my son.

I got to snuggle with my little grand daughter and have her tell me I was her best friend. So in this worry-filled day there were many good things scattered in...life is like that you know.

Take care all!

Some good news!

I almost started this post with an apology for less than uplifting posts as of late...but I changed my mind. No need to apologize for having a life that gets complicated and messy sometimes, or for feeling tired and vulnerable. I need to embrace my humanness.

So yesterday I rested and rested.  I ate on a veggie/chicken dish (you know the one I cooked and upheld to myself as some self-care) I had made, enjoyed a few clementines, and  drank lots of water. I went to bed early and slept for over 12 hrs! This morning I was 3lbs lighter...can you believe it? So I finally lost the 1.5 I gained over Christmas and another 1.5lbs.  Yeah and a happy dance!

I'm cleaning, packing, and gathering foods to take on my trip. I'm meeting up with my out-of-town working husband tonight, and will be on my way to CA in the morning. I hope to keep checking in with you all while I'm gone. I'm unsure how next week will go.

I'm always grateful for each of you and your support. Let's keep going ladies...even if it means you need to rest for awhile :)

No change in weight...

...but after last week--that steady number on the scale is amazing!  My eating is getting better and cleaner, and closer to what I know is good for me.
If you were wondering...I'm still  FT'ing. I love it's simplicity-I really do. I know many people who are slender & healthy that eat bread/grains everyday at most meals.  Just know for me they trigger something in my brain-that I don't feel full/satisfied.   I've made a conscience and informed decision for myself.
Yesterday, I pondered  self-care. I cooked a healthy dish, and offered it up to myself as self-care. I gave myself permission to not run errands or feel compelled to over work, and I considered it a form of self-care. Today I'm resting a little more--I'm calling that some self-care too.  Everyday looks different, so I know what feels caring to me today--might feel unproductive and not the best use of my time on another day. So I just need to listen.
I do so much better when I listen to myself: Rest, eat less grain carbs, speak kinder to yourself, forgive yourself and others...you know what I mean...just listen.

Back to Cali

Sometimes all you can say is 'It's been a week (s)!"  I'm leaving on Thursday evening for CA to be there for some loved ones.  I know it seems that  I write cryptically about some things, but I feel the need to honor the privacy of others.
Do you find self care becomes more complicated--or less clear, during times of challenge? At least it does for me. (I'm open to your thoughts on this...)
 I do know that I'm not going to search out any chips, sugary foods, or Coke Zeros...that doesn't scream "self-care" does it?
So what am I going to search out?:
*... my large cooler, so I can pack up some BF/FT friendly foods for my trip.
* ... the support of friends (one way is to keep blogging).
*...God's inspiration through prayer
Blessing to us all-

Thank You-

Thanks so much for your support and friendship. I feel lifted up by your goodness.
 Here's my report for today. I had a long workday, but I'm grateful for my work!
I drank more water and herbal tea today-tried to stay hydrated.
Bfst:
Eggs w/ spinach, pesto, and cheese
Snack:
a few handfuls of freeze dried apples (I know higher sugar, but I ate them anyway)
Lunch/Dinner: I actually 'snacked' on these foods during the afternoon-
Roasted chicken
Ricotta pudding
Few olives
It's not pretty, but so much better than the last week
I don't want to see another food week like the one I've had...so I am forgiving myself, pushing the "restart" button, and not kicking myself while I'm feeling down.
Blessing to you all!

Falling Off The Wagon...

What I'm blogging won't be uplifting and possibly not helpful to anyone but myself.
I can't (won't) even say what I eaten in the last 24 hrs., but know I'm all 'sugared' up. I'm just too embarrassed to say  This falling off the wagon has been coming on for a week, and I just didn't stop it. I don't handle stress and sadness very well...obviously.
 I had made it through the holidays and 3 weeks in CA without even of portion of the damage I've done lately. I've been BFC'ing/FT'ing it for 7 months, and this is the first complete loss of control I've felt.
All I can say is I've experienced intense & total emotional eating-combined with the 'addictive' qualities of the the foods...Not fun ladies-don't go there.
SO WHERE TO GO?
Begin again-and I will.

A little more flax...

The fog is lifting just a little bit here. There are many unknowns right now, but I'm still here kicking!
Here's a new recipe/technique for you:
Crispy (really is crispy) Flax Cracker
2 T flax meal
2 T water
Salt & pepper (you could add other spices-they're your crackers)
Mix together and let set until thickened...abt. 1-2 min.
Spread evenly on parchment & cook on high for 2-2 1/2 minutes.
I topped mine w/ a little bit of pesto--really liked it!
Some serving ideas:
*Cinnamon/stevia on top before baking and top w/ cream cheese spread
* Mini tostada
* Whip cream & berries
Let me know if you come up with any good combinations
Best wishes to you all-

A bag of Lay's Potato Chips

Yep, that's what I've eaten over a period of days...Tomato and Basil-not the individual size, but the full bag. Mindless eating-drug like eating. I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but just describing the truth.
To honor the privacy of others-I'll just say it's been a very sad  few days, full of worry and fear. I don't drink, so I ate.   Obviously, I still go to food in times of crisis.
However---today is a new day...the chips are gone...there is hope...and I have a lot to be grateful for.
So that's my story.  Blessing to you all...and a few for myself.

Flaxseed Wraps (pancakes)

I couldn't find my cord to download pictures, but  these are good!!! The recipe is adapted from 'Wheat Belly'. Dr. Davis suggests using them as a wrap. I made (2) batches and ate them both, for a S/C of 0/1 and 12 gr. fiber. Check your ground flaxseed meal to make sure. I used Bob's Golden Flaxseed-ground.
Of course I can't leave anything alone, so here's my version that makes very tasty 'pancakes'. Or fill them like a crepe w/ cream & berries. They're yours so do whatever you like :)
Mix together:
3 T ground flaxseeds
1/4 t baking powder
pinch salt & 1/2 t cinnamon
1 pkg Stevia
Add and mix to dry ingredients:
 2 T water & 1 egg
1 T (or less) melted coconut oil...or whatever oil you want
I poured 1/2 of 'batter' in oiled pan and spread out w/ back of spoon-Like a pancake you'll know when to flip...only takes a minute or so.
So if you want them savory...add whatever seasoning, herbs you like w/out the Stevia. Both versions are good, and I will be making these again.

Home

...it's a good place to be.
I got on the scale this morning. I'm up 1.5 lbs-not too bad. I think a day or two at home will take care of that, as traveling always tweeks with my weight.
My goal was to not gain while I was gone. Generally the holidays and traveling would have added at least 5 lbs...probably more. So this is good.
But I don't want to get stuck here. It's really time to hit the exercise. I'm getting soft where the fat use to be...anyone know what I mean--without getting too graphic!
I'm still going to Fast Track...my way.  That means occasional -small amt of beans or hummus. You can FT forever-lots of people do, but just don't call it that.  Honestly, I think for me staying away from grains has curbed my appetite, and kept me from overeating. I could be a carb-o-holic in  heartbeat. There are some foods I do better just not eating...even in small amounts.
I'm going to try a few recipes from the book 'Wheat Belly' this weekend. I'll share later. I'm also going to get a pedi/mani today, and go on a date with my hubby. We're going to see Sherlock Holmes...I hear it's really.good.
I hope you all have a great weekend as well...do something fun!

Going Home

I'm leaving CA this afternoon:
 I'm leaving my sweet daughter who has her arms full with two boys under the age of two. I know she's capable, but it's going to challenge her for sure. As a Mom I would like to soften the harder edges of life for her, sometimes I can...but often I can't. That's not so easy for me.
I'm leaving these little boys whom I adore.
I'm leaving the 70+ degree weather :(
I'm going home to:
My husband, home, work, and some rest. I have a lot to go home to.
I looking forward to setting my goals for myself-it's time.
That's my day, and I hope your day is good as well.
Take Care-

Still Sunny in CA

I sat outside this morning, baby in arms, eyes closed-enjoying the warmth.  It's always my prayer in these joyful moments to have that feeling planted...deep...so I don't ever forget.
My stay in CA is coming to a close, as I'll be flying home Thursday evening. I've been here almost 3 weeks. It will be hard to leave this sweet little family. I get to take care of the baby every night, getting up with him, feeding him his Mommy's milk via the bottle, changing his diapers, and singing little songs to get him asleep. Yes-I'm in heaven.
All that being shared, I'm ready to be back home with my husband, and focus on myself a little.  I need a massage, mani/pedi for sure, and it's going to happen :).
Enjoy your day as well.

Welcome 2012

I have thought about Kay's comment on my last post about 2012 being an amazing year for ALL of us. I believe that too.  I say that realizing how precarious life is-we never know what's round the corner, but we navigate it anyway.
Somethings we can control and others we cannot.  I come from an alcoholic mother. When I was a young girl, I use to feel bitter when I read the serenity prayer. I no longer carry around all that hurt and bitterness, and in someways appreciate what my ailing mother was trying to do.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can (and my favorite part), and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm trying too.

Happy 2012...I'm glad I get to share it with you all. It is going to be amazing!